"I like to listen. I have learned a great deal from listening carefully."
Ernest Hemingway, Writer
Learn to become a good listener and you'll be perceived as one of the greatest conversation partners in the "neighborhood."
Many of us try to learn all kinds of effective communication techniques - we buy books, sign up for courses, etc.; but only a few of us study how to be a good listener.
If you want to be perceived as a great communicator, you'll want to spend some time learning to be a good listener. Let's face it, talking comes naturally for most of us, but listening takes effort - some serious effort for quite a few of us.
Let's see - what do we know about listening?
In my quest to become a more effective communicator, I learned about 3 levels of listening:
Level 1 - is the type of listening when we are thinking of what we'll say next, while the other person is talking. While the other person is speaking, you allow your brain to wander away and you interrupt the person with a a related topic that just popped in your mind ("Oh, yes, I know what you mean, it happened to me too when I was in high school..., blah, blah, etc., etc.) or even worse, you interrupt with a totally unrelated topic.
Level 2: when the other person is speaking, you consciously direct your attention to every word the speaker utters, and when the speaker pauses, your comments or questions are 100% related to the topic.
Level 3: when the other person is speaking, you listen what is "said" beyond the words. You notice body posture, facial expression, breathing and even use your intuition to really HEAR what it is being said. A person adopting 3d level listening will at times hear a totally different message then what's being said. e.g. - a person might ramble on about how disturbing is to get the annoying telemarketing calls, etc., and someone listening at levels 1 or 2 would agree or disagree and stay more or less on the topic of annoying telemarketing calls or other annoying interruptions. The person listening at level 3 might notice a slight/heightened tension and way too much "passion" in condemning telemarketers, and might say "Yes, I agree, telemarketers can be a pain in the s, but what is really going on with you. Something is bothering you." And while the person might come back with the original story, the level 3 listener might probe further till it gets to the bottom line of the situation. (at times the speaker him/herself does not really understand why they are so upset about a trivial situation - but there is often more to it then what it is said. This listening level is mostly used by mental health professionals, counselors, and hopefully lots of good parents.
Most of us use a combination of levels 1 and 2 throughout our days, and at times even level 3 (some of us). The question is in which level do you spend most of your communication? Do people enjoy talking to you because you are a good listener? Or do people get frustrated when talking to you because you always interrupt and even drift away to unrelated topics?
Today try level 2 listening, and consciously practice it throughout the day.
Happy socializing!
