A few days ago I heard an interesting quote that sounded something along the lines of "Never argue with an idiot - if someone is watching, they might not know who's the bigger idiot."
A good argument, at times, can be really good and even productive. But the stress is on "at times". Most arguments can be avoided and are totally unnecessary. I pride myself in having no more than 5 to 10 slight arguments per year with my wife, and as a manager I lost my temper or entered in an argument no more than 10 times in 15 years.
The secret?
It takes two to argue. It is really hard to argue by yourself. So whenever someone approaches me with a challenging issue and high emotions, I'll say "Let's talk about this. Please tell me what's really going on ?" And I'd offer a chair... Then once I hear the problem, I rephrase it to make sure that I got a good understanding of what's going on. Then I ask "What do you think would be the best way to deal with this?" and "How can I support you?" and I (REALLY) listen.
Warning! When the speaker directs personal attacks towards you in his/her narration of the perceived problem, resist the temptation to get in defensive mode and snap back. Stay calm and objective and repeat back what you heard, including the "So you think that I made a mistake and that's one of the reasons we have the situation at hand, correct?" And regardless of the answer STAY CALM and go on with your clarifying questions on how could this situation be rectified.
And, yes, you are right, it doesn't always work. Some people just want to shout and argue; but if you do not allow them to pull you into the argument, you can still avoid the "war" and get out of the situation with less than half of the stress.
Self-control is the key. After all, we are not some wild beasts in the jungle, right? We should be able to control our urge to fight. As one of my gurus said many years ago "Between the stimulus and your response to it there's always a fraction of a second when you can decide whether to fight or to keep your cool [or run]. " We always have at least two options: fight or stay calm and try to resolve it like beeings with some gray matter/brain in our had. Don't let other control your emotions! Take pride in you being the one in control.
Pride, the desire to win, and the fear to lose - are three of the most common reasons why we allow ourselves to get sucked into arguments. But in the long run, it is better to lose some less important fights and swallow our pride in order to maintain your sanity, physical health, avoid unnecessary stress, and most of all to keep a professional image. Doing this will create a perception of you being in charge of your emotions and being someone stable and reliable. And the beauty of it is that it is highly contagious - after a while some who'll see you handling situations in the above described manner, will start modeling you, soon creating a whole team of calm, team players.
It all starts with one person taking charge and showing the way. Now what is that if not a display of true leadership?
